All the things

thunder storm and an update

So. This has been a crazy transition in my life. I have had the most annoying roller coaster of emotions that I can even imagine. I have felt insecure about damn near everything in my life. Every relationship, every friendship, every family relationship, every idea, every move, every thought, ect. I realized that my life is currently consisting of what if’s.

I have realized that having a long distance friendship is hard, but it’s nothing compared to a long distance relationship. I thought we had prepared for this by living four hours away for the past 5 months, but I never knew what lonely felt like until this moment. There is nothing harder than being in a relationship with someone you love and not knowing when you will see them again. This is comparative to being 4 hours away from someone and knowing that you will see them again in the next month or two. Very big difference.

Every day is a battle with myself. You wonder if you are”special” enough or if you are “worthy” of your significant others love to allow the distance or you wonder if anyone will come into their life. Every day is an inward struggle. The only hope is that you realize they are good, they are wise, and you are loved. Therefore you know that you can trust them no matter what the circumstance.

The next struggle is realizing that even thought you lived the majority of your life in a certain place,now that you are older, you are now brand new. You are entering this world not as a past resident but as a member of some new chapter. Never have I lived in this town as a “college graduate” or as an “adult.”  I personally find it hilarious that anyone would consider me an adult. I’m not prepared for anything that “adult” life has to throw at me. Until I reach that mile stone, I am a wanderer, a dreamer, and most importantly, an experiment. I am a subject of trial and error until I figure out which is the right path for me.  I have nothing to prove, I have nothing to really offer, I am just here to learn, be molded, and ultimately, be the human being that anyone could ask of me.

All i’ve ever wanted to be in life was perfect. I’ve strived, and ultimately failed, to have the “perfect” body and “perfect” attitude. It wasn’t until I decided to not give a shit about anyone and their ideals that I realized that I didn’t need to be “perfect,” I just needed to be someone who I was personally comfortable with and I feel that I am almost there. I have become happy with how I look, finally, and now I need to become happy with who I am and will become. 

My life, as of right now, is still so undecided. There are so many things that might or might not happen that I’m a still a little overwhelmed. However, at this moment I know that I am strong, I am able, and I have the power to do whatever I want and make it work. The joys of having a strong heart, imagination, and drive. 

Good night everyone and I hope everyone finds the great in tomorrow because not matter how depressed, sad, irrelevant, or bothersome I think it is, tomorrow will be great, because tomorrow will help me move forward and will help make the life I have transition into the life I’ve always wanted. 

:)

The travel west.

      I’ve only been home 2 days and I immediately regret this decision. I feel like i’ve come back to absolutely nothing. And I hate myself for feeling this way. 

      I still don’t know where I want to go to school, and i’m so confused about what I should be doing now. I keep asking myself what was the next step supposed to be? I have come back to a town where I dont know anyone anymore, and I should be content with being alone, but I am just stuck here with my thoughts and insecurities. I can’t help but think I should have stayed in NC.

      I feel like everything has been a lot harder than I expected and I’m not excited for the next step, only because Ik now things are about to get a lot harder before it gets easier. I’m afraid of whats next but I guess I’ll just have to hang tough.

     Hopefully at least one thing will go my way.